Sleep

Well, I work full time and go to school full time. I sleep very little and perform at a mediocre level in all my activities. I’m sorry this blog has gotten so far off track, but I do miss sleeping.

A side affect of constantly being behind and not sleeping much is that there is very little time for dwelling on bad memories. My time is all about the future. Today I played hookey and just never left my apartment. I wore my pajamas, ate good food that I made for myself, and relaxed.

Sometimes it’s just all about me, you know?

In a few hours normal life will have to resume, but forgetting everything for a day has been amazing.

Not a cohesive thought here. You’re welcome. Go sleep and I swear eventually to attempt to write something meaningful again.

The Minimum Wage

Alright, I realize this is a topic that is everywhere these days. Company owners, whether family business or corporation want to make more and pay their employees less. As a working adult, I of course have my own opinion.

I recently went back to school and I have to work to cover the gap between student loans and expenses. I work as an EMT three days a week and go to school four days a week. My shifts are 12 hours long, so I get between 36 and 40 hours a week with overtime. Full time hours.

I live in the LA area with my boyfriend. We pay about $900 for rent on a tiny one bedroom. We have pets that require food and occasional vet visits. We have bills. There are my school expenses. My boyfriend’s student loans. The car payment. Insurance. Phone bills. The internet. Gas cost. Electricity. Food.

I make $11 an hour. This is a job that requires expensive certifications and continuing education. I do not work an entry level job at McDonald’s. I am a grow woman, not a high school kid looking for pocket change. $11 an hour after taxes means that twice a month I take home a little over $700. Round up and hope for extra hours and maybe I can say $1500 a month. My company calls me a per-diem employee, so I do not get any benefits.

To all the people against raising the minimum wage: why? You say it’ll kill businesses, but if we normal working people could afford to live, maybe we’d shop at your business or buy your product. I eat a lot of macaroni and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches and don’t go shopping for non-essentials. I’m not doing much to support an economy.

Maybe you say that I don’t deserve to make money. I don’t work hard enough to be allowed to support myself on my wages. It would hurt the company I work for if they had to pay wages that their employees could live on.

As a grown woman, I’ve had to run from an abusive relationship while at a minimum wage job. I lived in a friend’s car and then on a friend’s living room floor for months before I could save enough to rent a tiny bedroom in a horrible little house. This is a topic that hits close to home. A person should be able to live on what they can earn.

For everyone against it… Why? Treat others as you want to be treated.

Life in the way?

It is a funny question sometimes of what priorities are. New job, blog slightly abandoned. What is it that you live to do? Is it what gives you a paycheck, or the things you are spending that paycheck on?

I have just started a new job with some crazy hours. I love my career path, if not every person I interact with. It is what I’m good at and what makes me happy at the end of the day.

But, I work and sleep and forget about this blog I started.

To my three regular readers: I may not be keeping up with my self-set goal of a post every weekend, but please bear with me. This is a voice that wants to be heard, even if schedules are harsh.

To anyone who happens on this page: hello! I hope that you know no matter what you feel, you are never alone. We all have our histories and our scars.

In pursuit of dying.

The first time I tried to kill myself I was eight or nine years old.  I must have seen the how in a movie or something, but I knew that you were supposed to take a bunch of pills and drink alcohol.  Oh, but you couldn’t have too much or you would throw up and not die.  With very careful consideration I decided to take three aspirin and have some vodka.  It would have been a cup of vodka, but vodka was gross, so it was just enough to swallow with the pills.  Sure this would do the job, I settled in to die in my bed.  I got my stuffed bunny, Bouncy, and laid down.

 

When I woke up, the world was magical.  Everything was dark and glittering.  Bouncy and I were still in our bed, but we walked outside to see a million stars in the sky.  There were no people.  All was quiet and peaceful.  No one waiting to jump out at me.  No one mean.  No pain.  Just beauty.  Must be heaven, right?

 

We climbed a tree and fell asleep.  I figured I’d explore heaven more in the morning.

 

I woke to the sounds of the morning commuters driving to work.  I was in a t-shirt and my underwear, and had only the stuffed animal I’d deny sleeping with.  Too bad I hadn’t thought to put on pants to die in.  I had to sneak home and back into my bed.

 

The next time I tried, I took four aspirin and managed the entire cup of alcohol.  That time I didn’t die even for a little while.  I just slept all night.  I decided dying was hard.  Much too hard.  Maybe I wouldn’t die?  Maybe I just needed to try harder.

 

Over the next few years, there were experiments.  I jumped off a roof, but landed in a bush and was fine.  I took more pills.  There was alcohol, which was successful at stopping feeling, but not killing me.  I collected quite a number of sharp and shinys.  There was the time I tried hanging myself–twice.  Didn’t work.

 

Maybe dying would be harder than living was.

I am a survivor

I am a survivor. Doesn’t that sound trite?  I must admit it is an overused phrase these days.  But I am not a victim, I am a survivor.

 

I am a woman who was molested by my mother until I got too old when I was five. She moved on to my baby brother then. I remember it. I remember that I was relieved that I did not have to have special mommy time anymore. I was happy to be invisible.

 

When you are a child, you have no defenses. When your parent is the one hurting you, what should you do?

 

I grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me. Some reason why that little space between my legs was the most interesting part of my being. I have heard that because I was a child and do not remember every occurrence that it should not matter that it happened to me. I should get over it.

 

I am a woman who was molested by my mother. I am a woman who was rejected by my father and thrown out. I am a woman who was raped by my boyfriend. I am a woman who has been strong and survived to make a life for herself.

 

Here I am. I survived. I will continue on.

To Start

I am small.

 

I am small and I am quiet,

There is no need to see me.

I will not be in the way.

 

I have bought the foods you like.

I know you don’t like it if I have sweets.

I will not eat anything so you can be happy.

Your dinner is on the table.

You can eat and watch the show.

 

I will be small. I will be quiet. I am good.

Please don’t be mad at me. Please like me.

I am good. I am here. You are the world.

You asked for quiet. I will not speak.

 

Don’t hurt me.

It was an accident.

You didn’t mean to.

I am so clumsy. Always having accidents.

 

I am small. I am nothing.

You are kind to take care of me.

Please like me. Please love me.

I will try to deserve it.

 

I am nothing. I am no one.

You are so wonderful. You are so good.

No I deserve nothing. I will try harder.

 

The world is a terrible place.

You keep me. You protect me.

I owe you everything.

 

I am small and helpless.

I could do nothing.

Silly. Stupid.

I would not understand.

 

I will be here.

This is more than I deserve.

I am nothing. I am small. I am silent. I am here.

It hurts. I am weak. I asked for it. I wanted it.

 

You are kind to touch me.

You are right.

I am so clumsy.

 

A door.

I tripped.

A little burn.

A little cut.

The stairs are slippery.

So clumsy.

 

I am here. I am quiet.

For my own good.

You have gone.

I will wait.

 

I watch.

I sit.

I breathe.

In and out.

In and out.

A thought.

 

Bad.

 

Just sit.

 

But, a thought.

 

I breathe.

Maybe I should stop.

A knife.

A pill.

Two pills.

More.

Release.

Freedom.

 

I am free.