I am a survivor

I am a survivor. Doesn’t that sound trite?  I must admit it is an overused phrase these days.  But I am not a victim, I am a survivor.

 

I am a woman who was molested by my mother until I got too old when I was five. She moved on to my baby brother then. I remember it. I remember that I was relieved that I did not have to have special mommy time anymore. I was happy to be invisible.

 

When you are a child, you have no defenses. When your parent is the one hurting you, what should you do?

 

I grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me. Some reason why that little space between my legs was the most interesting part of my being. I have heard that because I was a child and do not remember every occurrence that it should not matter that it happened to me. I should get over it.

 

I am a woman who was molested by my mother. I am a woman who was rejected by my father and thrown out. I am a woman who was raped by my boyfriend. I am a woman who has been strong and survived to make a life for herself.

 

Here I am. I survived. I will continue on.

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To Start

I am small.

 

I am small and I am quiet,

There is no need to see me.

I will not be in the way.

 

I have bought the foods you like.

I know you don’t like it if I have sweets.

I will not eat anything so you can be happy.

Your dinner is on the table.

You can eat and watch the show.

 

I will be small. I will be quiet. I am good.

Please don’t be mad at me. Please like me.

I am good. I am here. You are the world.

You asked for quiet. I will not speak.

 

Don’t hurt me.

It was an accident.

You didn’t mean to.

I am so clumsy. Always having accidents.

 

I am small. I am nothing.

You are kind to take care of me.

Please like me. Please love me.

I will try to deserve it.

 

I am nothing. I am no one.

You are so wonderful. You are so good.

No I deserve nothing. I will try harder.

 

The world is a terrible place.

You keep me. You protect me.

I owe you everything.

 

I am small and helpless.

I could do nothing.

Silly. Stupid.

I would not understand.

 

I will be here.

This is more than I deserve.

I am nothing. I am small. I am silent. I am here.

It hurts. I am weak. I asked for it. I wanted it.

 

You are kind to touch me.

You are right.

I am so clumsy.

 

A door.

I tripped.

A little burn.

A little cut.

The stairs are slippery.

So clumsy.

 

I am here. I am quiet.

For my own good.

You have gone.

I will wait.

 

I watch.

I sit.

I breathe.

In and out.

In and out.

A thought.

 

Bad.

 

Just sit.

 

But, a thought.

 

I breathe.

Maybe I should stop.

A knife.

A pill.

Two pills.

More.

Release.

Freedom.

 

I am free.